My question has nothing to do with makeup or fashion. I don’t think there’s any shame in admitting that I’m also an avid follower of your blog and I also follow you on Facebook even though I’m a guy. I particularly love the weekend reflections. I just need to know what your insight might be regarding my situation.
My girlfriend of three years just called it quits. We had been living together but I couldn’t bring myself to make a decision whether to get married or not. She wasn’t the problem, it’s me. I couldn’t make a long term commitment. It wasn’t so much about fear of responsibility or anything like that. Maybe I just wasn’t sure if I loved her enough to give up my freedom. That was also why I was content to just live together for years with her so that anytime we’d like to call it quits, there are no marriage vows to break.
To make a long story short, she got tired of our set up. She was beginning to feel that I didn’t love her enough, and maybe sensing that I wasn’t so sure about my feelings for her. It’s been two months since she left but now I realize that I do love her and I can’t live without her. So I feel so stupid for not having the “balls” to fight for her when she needed me to. I tried fixing it and getting her back but she told me she’s had enough and wants to just move on without me. Now I’m scared that I might have realized too late that I do love her and I do want to get married to her.
Please tell me, what can I do to convince her to give us another try? Must I still even try, or will I be doing her a huge favor if I just stay away and let her move on?
I understand that this is not an easy thing to share with a stranger such as myself, yet you did. So, I want you to know first that I deeply appreciate the trust.
Now, on to your dilemma…
We’ve heard it said many times, “One will never realize what he has until it’s taken away from him”. It’s in our nature to take for granted the things that we have, often even comparing them with what we see others have. Perhaps it’s because of our innate drive to better ourselves and to seek greener pastures. We want to make sure we won’t merely be “settling” for whatever or whoever is right in front of us. Whatever your reason had been all these years for not wanting to get married yet, that’s your prerogative; it’s your future, your life. So on that note, I’d say, don’t be too hard on yourself for wanting to wait it out longer until you’re very sure about your feelings. At least you were honest enough to admit that you were not ready to make that kind of commitment. Getting married is no joke. However, if you’d let me, I’ll disagree with you on one thing: No, it’s not about loving someone enough to make you wanna give up your freedom. That’s not how it works. On the contrary, the decision and the desire to get married ought to be because you discovered that being with her is the only time you get to experience true freedom, joy and a sense of being complete. If the way you look at getting married to her is being willing to sacrifice something as valuable as your freedom, that’s a recipe for disaster because sooner or later, you’re gonna resent her for it especially if she fails to live up to your “expectations” and you start comparing the value of what you “gave up” for her with what you think you’re getting in return. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
However… it seems to me that there wasn’t a clear understanding between you and your girlfriend regarding what your arrangement was supposed to be, how long your setup was supposed to last, or towards which direction you were supposed to be taking the relationship together. Those things ought to have been thoroughly discussed, made crystal clear and mutually agreed upon to avoid uncomfortable conversations later on and the resentment that often result from unmet expectations.
Now, given that you may be “realizing too late that you love her” because she already left, I’d say that you are doing the right thing by still trying to win her back — only if that’s really what you have decided you wanna do, and not just because you miss having her around and so you want her back. Keep in mind that the decision to propose marriage to her is not just gonna change the course of your future but of hers as well, and if she accepts your proposal, she’ll be entrusting her future to you, so please don’t pursue her unless you’re sincerely sure. She said she’s had enough and wants to just move on, right? But she didn’t say she doesn’t love you anymore. Sounds to me like she’s needing more assurance from you that you are trying to win her back not merely for your selfish reasons but because you truly love her and want to spend your lifetime with her. I’m not an expert on relationships but I do know that true love is patient and it never gives up. So if you’re so sure about your recent “realization”, then by all means fight for her, continue what you’re doing by showing her how much you do love her, but be willing to patiently wait until she learns to trust you again. You’re not just trying to win her back, but you’re trying to earn back her trust and her confidence in you. Maybe you’ll win her back, maybe you won’t. Either way, expect the best and prepare for the worst. You have to gradually teach yourself to peacefully and humbly accept and respect whatever her decision will be — that is also the proof of genuine love. If your intentions are sincere, she will feel it this time because true love is a powerful force, it’s impossible to hide it, deny it or ignore it. You can choose to continue dealing with regrets and feeling sorry for your loss, or you may choose to strive to become a better man and learn the lessons from this painful event. In the end, whether or not she chooses to get back together with you, what matters is that you did the right thing by her and was honest about your intentions and feelings for her.
I wish you the best. I hope it works out for you both soon.
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